None of us are immune to problems, painful moments, and the challenges life brings. Even an awakened person goes through the whirlpool of life because it is part of life. Just the other day, I recalled how Yogananda was betrayed by his best friend, his teacher struggled with finances… Many saints were judged, rejected, some bore severe illnesses in their bodies. We crucified Jesus. So why do we expect ourselves to be perfect, accepted by the world?
The pursuit of perfection, maintaining an external image can be not only difficult and exhausting but also detrimental to health on all levels. The desire to belong is natural, but the idea that everyone can and should understand and accept us is dangerous to our health. Over time, we have also lost the natural response to stressful situations. All animals that experience stress shake it off by literally shaking for a while—to “shake off” the stress. The only animals that have lost this ability are humans, and confined or domesticated animals.
It is natural to tremble when we are stressed. Yet we do everything so that no one sees us doing it, telling each other: Calm down! We do this even to small children, preventing them from processing their sadness, anger, and everything else. No wonder we are tired, sick, lost…
I myself have realized that my need for love and respect makes me weak. It wasn’t easy to admit that I did many things to earn that same love and respect. Despite all experiences and knowledge, I would find myself emotionally overwhelmed because someone didn’t understand or accept me… Being rejected, even in benevolent situations, can be uncomfortable and even painful. Yet everything is woven through the relationships we create and it is impossible to escape from that.
It took me an exceptionally long time (and tears) to realize that the only relationship that matters is the one with myself. I don’t mean on a mental level, but a deeper, insightful one. We all know that our relationship with ourselves, loving ourselves, is important. But do we truly live it?
Even today, I require exceptional vigilance in certain situations to not lose myself in old patterns. Because I love being loved and accepted. Yet at some point, I promised myself to stay awake regarding my values, my truths, to embrace and accept myself regardless of what’s happening around me or how others perceive me. I fully understand that I can’t fight against the labels others place on me. It’s pointless, fruitless… But I can choose not to impose those same labels on myself.
My universe has changed a lot. I used to be harsh, toward myself, and unconsciously toward others. Then I grew a little, then more, and then more still. Today, I am a completely different person, and someone who knew me maybe just two years ago may no longer recognize me. Because I am no longer bound by those same labels, concepts, and the past from which they view me.
The past is persistent, it likes to repeat itself. It will keep reappearing until we learn something, until we evolve in some way. Some voices from my past I still dislike today. But I continue to strive to leave them where they belong—in the past. I strive to let go and move forward. Even if moving forward means I will no longer travel with some people. But I choose to travel without baggage. This is a more preferred choice for me than old suitcases from the past, ghosts of the past in the present.
My past no longer recognizes me today. Except for those parts that still can. This is why I continue on this journey into love and unconditionality. Toward myself, toward everyone and everything. To me, it seems like there is no other choice.
If we meet on this journey, I will embrace you. I will embrace you in my thoughts if we don’t travel the same path. And maybe you won’t recognize it, maybe I won’t recognize you. Regardless—I embrace you. Because you are also a reflection of me, and for that, I love you.
With love, Martina
